Learning Too Late
by MBP
Summary: Set during Gaza but with a very different ending… what if the worst had happened before Josh got to leave for Germany? What if Donna had been the fourth casualty?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own any characters in The West Wing (unfortunately).

C.J. walked into Josh's office full speed but caught the look on his face and stopped abruptly, feeling as though she'd hit a brick wall of sadness. Her throat felt suddenly dry, and she put her hand on the back of the chair in front of her to steady herself. To prepare herself.

"Any news on Donna?" she asked, her voice lower than usual. She felt her breath escape in a torrent of relief when he shook his head. The rest of them, at least, were operating under the theory that no news was good news considering how quickly news of the first three fatalities had reached them. Josh, on the other hand, didn't seem to like that theory. He was driving himself crazy on the phone, trying to get any word of her condition and not being very successful. C.J. took another look at his face and sat down slowly in the chair she'd been holding on to.

"How are you doing?" she asked softly. She was careful to keep her tone light, though, because if Josh knew how worried she actually were, not only would his own anxiety escalate, but his communication skills would most likely shut down. She got the answer she expected.

"I'm fine," he said as he picked up his cell phone for the fifth time in as many minutes. He glanced at the screen and then back at C.J. "I'm just trying to get an update on her status, but no one in that hospital seems to know anything. I told them to call me if there were any change. You'd think I'd have heard something by now."

C.J.'s expression was pained. "Josh," she started, but he heard the shift in her tone and looked up quickly, saying, "yeah, thanks for stopping by. I'll come by your office if I hear anything."

She sighed. He wasn't just shutting her out. He wasn't talking to anyone, as far as she knew. She knew when to leave, though. She stood up and walked out slowly, glancing behind her to make sure he was doing just what she knew he would… staring at his phone as if willing it to ring. Shaking her head, she walked back to her own office, giving Carol instructions to come get her the _minute_ Josh seemed to know _anything_.

Josh sat staring at the cell phone and was startled out of his trance by another knock on the door. Glancing up, he was unsurprised to see Toby, trying hard to look nonchalant and trying not to look relieved. He didn't blame him for the relief, though. If only Donna had been in the same car as Andi, he wouldn't be sitting here now, suddenly realizing that this misery didn't exactly measure up to how a boss was supposed to feel about his assistant.

"Hear anything?" Toby asked, and Josh just shook his head, watching with relief as Toby quickly nodded and moved off. At least he didn't have to worry about Toby trying to ask about his feelings the way C.J. couldn't seem to stop herself from doing. He didn't blame her, though. He had glanced at his reflection in his window, and he understood why she was worried. If he'd had the time to spare, he'd be worried about himself too. As it was, he only had enough energy to focus on Donna.

And suddenly his cell phone, which he'd been gripping since he'd first heard the news three hours ago, started ringing, and the Caller I.D. number was a new one. It was the hospital. It had to be. Fumbling with the phone, he finally managed to turn it on, getting up to close his door as he did so. He knew that the sound of his cell phone right now could bring the whole West Wing running.

Coming around his desk again, he frowned a little at the phone.

"Yeah, I'm sitting down. Just tell me what's going on now. Are they sending her to Germany? What's the status?"

And suddenly his legs gave out and he collapsed into his seat, unable to comprehend what the woman on the other end of the phone was telling him. Unwilling to believe it at all. He managed to make some sort of sound when she said goodbye, but he continued to stare at the phone, his vision blurring to the point where he could no longer recognize what he had been staring at for the last three hours.

After what seemed like hours but was really only a few minutes, there was a knock on his door, and he didn't answer. He couldn't. With the exception of the aftermath of Rosslyn, he didn't remember a time when he hadn't been able to control his emotions even in the privacy of his own office. Now, not only was he past the point of caring, but he couldn't have even if he'd tried. He was too tired to try. He was aware of his door opening slowly, and as he looked up with tears in his eyes, he saw C.J., and he saw the moment when she understood. She swallowed hard, and they stared at each other. Neither of them could find the right words. Because there weren't any.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: This is more of a filler chapter before the action begins.

They were still staring at each other in absolute silence when Josh's phone rang again.

"Hello," he somehow managed to choke out. Taking a deep breath and exhaling slowly, he said, "Yes, I'll inform her family. Thank you. Ok. Bye."

He didn't look up at C.J. but muttered, "That was the hospital again. I apparently hung up before they could ask _me_ to tell her parents. How on earth am I supposed to do that?"

C.J. forced her words out as well. "Well if you want me to, I could call them. I wouldn't mind." In the back of her mind, she knew that she was offering to do something possible, so she was relieved when Josh shook his head.

"No. I should be the one to do it. I was her… I was her boss."

Here he choked on his words again and continued staring at the surface of his desk. He didn't look up when he heard C.J. sniffle, and he didn't look up when Toby walked in, took one look at them, and slumped against the doorframe.

"No," he whispered, but all he needed to do was look into C.J.'s eyes to know that the answer was very much yes. The three of them stayed there in a silence that was unbroken until Leo walked in, looking for news of Donna.

He, too, didn't even need to ask. All it took was one step into a room so steeped with misery that he had to force himself to go all the way in. Once he did, though, he found himself, suddenly, at a loss for words. He looked at Josh, but he was still staring at the desk, and it was clear that he wasn't planning on looking up any time soon, so he turned to C.J.

Feeling his eyes on her, she looked up, and Leo felt his heart break when he saw the haunted look in her eyes. "In your office?" he asked gently, and she nodded and stood up. Her movement released Toby as well, and he fled back to the safety of his own office. He needed to call Andi just to hear her voice, to reassure himself once again that she really was ok.

They all left Josh alone, which was fine with him. The only person he wanted to have there was the only person he would never see again. He couldn't imagine that there was anyone in the world who could make him feel better.


	3. Chapter 3

C.J. and Leo sat down in her office, and Leo was unsurprised when C.J. began to speak in her usual voice. He was also, however, not surprised to see that tears kept slipping down her face as she talked. She filled him in on everything Josh had told her, and then they just looked at each other.

"Leo, he's going to have a really hard time with this. You know the relationship he had with Donna… and, well… you know the relationship he could have had with Donna."

Leo nodded, his face twisting in an expression of sympathy for everything he knew Josh would be experiencing.

"Yeah, C.J. I know. I also know that there's one person we need to get here as soon as possible. The only person who could possibly comfort Josh right now."

And then she knew. And she wondered why she hadn't already thought of this.

"Sam," she said simply. Leo nodded, and she picked up her phone. "Carol," she said and then had to clear her throat and start over. "Carol, will you get me Sam on the phone immediately? Tell him… tell him it's an emergency." She hung up, and they looked at each other steadily.

"Will you tell the president," she asked softly, and Leo nodded.

"I don't know how he's going to take this," he muttered. "He's been having a hard enough time dealing with the fact that he was the one who asked Fitzwallace to go. This could push him over the edge." He shook his head and stood up. "Listen, C.J. When you talk to Sam, tell him to get here as soon as he can. It's going to be hard for all of us to deal with this, but Josh … well, just get Sam here."

She nodded. "Don't worry, Leo. I know how important this is. We're all worried about Josh."

He walked out just as Carol called in, "C.J., I've got Sam on line one."

Taking a deep breath, C.J. stared at the phone and finally picked it up. "Sam, it's C.J. I'm sure you've been watching the news…"

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Josh was still staring at the top of his desk. He hadn't moved since everyone had left him alone seven hours earlier. C.J., Toby, Leo, Will… they all had come in asking him if he wanted dinner, if he'd called the Mosses… but he just couldn't bring himself to answer. He didn't know if he'd ever be ready to talk to any of them ever again. He couldn't imagine, now, how the president had felt when Mrs. Landingham had been killed by the drunk driver. But he knew he was only fooling himself. His feelings for Donna… well, he had more than he'd ever been willing to admit even to himself. And now he was afraid of how much it would hurt if he accepted how much she really had meant to him. So every time thoughts of Donna floated through his mind, he banished them with the numbness that seemed his only recourse. Until Leo came to tell him that the president wanted to speak to him. He knew he couldn't refuse, so he quietly followed Leo into the Oval Office.

Jed Bartlett was sitting on the couch, and he looked like he hadn't slept in days. He looked at Josh when he followed Leo into the room, and then he nodded for Leo to give them a minute. Once Leo had closed the door behind him, the president leaned forward.

"Josh, I want you to know how upset we all are about what happened in the Middle East. We are all going to miss Donna terribly. If you need to take any time for yourself, that's fine. I know this is going to be especially hard for you." He didn't say anymore because Josh barely seemed to register any of this. Bartlett sighed and stood up.

"Josh, why don't you go home now? Lie down, relax as much as you can…"

At this, Josh did look up. "No, it's ok," he mumbled. He stood up too. "I'm ok. I'm going to go back to my office. There are arrangements to be made…" he trailed off, and the president nodded, resigned.

"Ok, Josh. But go home soon. You need a break."

"Thank you, Mr. President." He walked out and somehow made it back to his office without bumping into anyone who tried to make conversation with him. Once the door was closed behind him, though, he sank, deflated into his chair. He didn't know how he was going to do this. He didn't know how he was going to do anything without her.


	4. Chapter 4

The next day passed in a blur of activity. No one could understand how or why Josh was still coming to work, but he knew that if he stayed home, he'd be alone with his thoughts, and that was something he just wasn't ready for. He also didn't want to deal with the phone calls he'd been getting from his mother every hour. He could avoid her calls more easily at work than he could at home. If there were anyone who could get him to think about things he didn't want to think about it was her. He hoped she wasn't serious when she said she was coming for the funeral. He was pretty sure he could keep it together just fine as long as she didn't show up. As far as he could imagine, no one else posed that same kind of threat.

The outer office buzzed with its usual activity, but Josh stayed in his office with his door closed until it was time for senior staff. He wasn't doing anything, exactly. He was just… not dealing with anyone. It seemed like an unnecessary hardship. He was sitting and staring at the clock when he suddenly realized his meeting was about to start. Grabbing the one folder whose whereabouts he actually knew, he headed straight for the Oval Office, head down to avoid any sympathetic looks or quick expressions of sympathy. He didn't get it. If he hadn't figured out his real feelings until now, how did everyone else seem to know that he was the one who was hardest hit? Or was it just that obvious from his complete disconnect from the rest of the world? He wasn't about to ask.

He stopped in front of Debbie's desk, being careful not to look at Charlie, and waited for her to wave him in. Without a word, but with a long, searching look, she nodded for him to go ahead.

Josh still wasn't seeing his surroundings entirely clearly, so he didn't get the complete sense of who was awaiting him when he walked in the room. The only people he noticed were Leo, the president, Toby and C.J. He nodded at them and took a seat on the end of one of the couches. He was so busy staring at his folder to avoid any eye contact that when the cushion next to him shifted as someone sat down, he didn't even look up. He just assumed that everyone was joining him to start the meeting. But when the silence persisted, he forced his eyes up… and his mouth dropped open.

Sam was sitting there, looking at him with some of the saddest eyes he'd ever seen, and the proximity of his closest friend combined with the sympathy he was generating released something in Josh that he'd been holding onto with all his might.

He shook his head at Sam, trying with that gesture to keep back the sob that was trying to force its way out of him… had been trying to come out for the last few days, for that matter. But Sam wasn't releasing his gaze for anything, knowing Josh needed this more than he was resisting it. He shifted over, so he could put his arms around Josh, and although Josh still hadn't stopped shaking his head, he submitted to the hug… and that was all it took. A strangled sob escaped, and C.J.'s eyes filled with tears as she watched his shoulders start to shake. Sam kept his arms around him, and the rest of the staff looked at each other miserably.

"Shall we?" Bartlett asked softly, motioning for them to go Leo's office. It was a gesture that spoke volumes about this president who always put others' needs before his own. In this case, though, they all understood that Josh needed this, and they willingly walked out of the Oval and into Leo's office, leaving the door open a crack, so they would know when it would be ok for them to go back. They settled on the couches, though, trying to make themselves as comfortable as possible. They weren't going to rush this, and they were willing to wait as long as it took.


	5. Chapter 5

It took a while for the storm to pass. Sam sat there with his arms around his oldest friend as he shook with sobs, and he closed his own eyes against the tears that were welling up in them. Josh needed him to be strong right now; otherwise, he would never let this happen again. Sam knew just how much Josh would need to be able to let this happen again.

Once Josh started to calm down, he pulled back from Sam. His eyes were still glassy and red, but he gave Sam a pained smile.

"Thanks for coming," he said, his voice strained with the effort to maintain his fragile composure.

Sam reached over and squeezed his shoulder. "Of course," he said softly, looking up as the other staffers returned slowly from Leo's office. They'd heard talking, so they figured it was safe to reenter. "And you know who told me to come, don't you?"

Josh shook his head, unaware of all of the people filing in behind him. "No, who?"

"C.J.," Sam said simply, and Josh jumped when he felt a hand on his other shoulder. Looking up, he realized that C.J., as well as everyone else, had come back, but he looked only at her, reaching up to hold her hand.

"Thanks," he whispered to her, making and holding eye contact for the first time since he'd heard the news. She sank down onto the couch next to him, still holding his hand tightly. Neither of them seemed to notice or to want to let go.

Everyone else settled themselves back into their usual seats, and the president motioned for Leo to tell Josh what they'd all decided he'd be best suited to say. Leo cleared his throat and said quietly, "Josh, I think it would be best for you to take off the rest of this week until the funeral. I know you've promised to help the Mosses, so I think you'll need this time to do it. And we're all here to help you with anything you need."

Josh drew himself up to argue but then suddenly… stopped. Why argue? Leo was right. He'd need this time to help Donna's parents make the best possible arrangements for the worst possible situation.

"Okay," he said. "And thank you. For everything."

No one could think of any more to say. Leo looked around, glanced at the president and said, "Thank you, Mr. President," rising to his feet to lead the way out of the room. As everyone else followed suit, he watched from the doorway as Josh walked out between Sam and C.J., and he felt something inside of him relax. Josh was being taken care of. This was the most important thing right now.


	6. Chapter 6

The next morning, Josh woke up at 5 am and stared at the clock. He didn't know why he'd woken so early. This happened to him every morning. He had that one moment of blissful forgetfulness before reality smacked him in the face so hard that he had to bury his face in his pillow before finally getting out of bed.

When he pulled himself out of bed that morning, he stumbled into the bathroom and stared at his reflection. He didn't know when he'd started to look so pale and, well, old. He'd always thought he looked sort of… boyish… but that was gone now. He just looked old. And sad. He knew he looked very, very sad. He sighed and ran his hands through his hair. That was something he wasn't sure would ever change.

Once he was out of the shower and dressed, he sat down in his living room and turned on CNN. It was too early to call Donna's parents. They were in D.C. They'd arrived the previous night, and he'd spoken to them when they'd gotten in. They had all agreed to get together in the coffee shop of their hotel at 8 the next morning, so he had two hours worth of news to watch. He held onto the remote control, though, so he could change the channel the minute anyone mentioned the Middle East. He didn't know when he'd be ready to hear about any of it again.

By the time he could leave and arrive at the hotel at a reasonable time, he'd had to change the channel six times. He was so relieved to be able to turn off the television and leave his apartment that he arrived earlier than he'd anticipated and sat in the lobby to wait for the Mosses. He'd only met them once before when they'd come to visit Donna years earlier, so he was just hoping he'd remember them. He needn't have worried. His breath caught in his throat when an older couple got off the elevator at 8:00 because he took one look at this woman and just _knew_ that this was what Donna would have looked like… if she'd ever been given the opportunity to reach this age. He swallowed the lump that had suddenly formed in his throat. He couldn't do this now… not with people who were suffering a pain that he could hardly imagine.

He stood and walked up to them slowly. They watched his approach with small, sad smiles, and Mr. Moss reached out first to shake Josh's hand.

"Josh, thanks so much for meeting us. We really don't know much about doing all of this in D.C., but we knew that this was what she would have wanted. This was the place she loved best."

Josh just nodded, not trusting himself to speak, and turned then to Mrs. Moss. She reached out to hug him, and he hugged her carefully, trying to maintain as much distance as possible. After Sam's hug had destroyed his defenses yesterday, he was cautious about human contact and most especially with people who understood his pain. Nothing could release it more freely. When they pulled away from each other, though, he could see that her eyes were watering, and to his horror, he knew that his were as well. She saw his misery, though, and reached for his hand and squeezed it.

"We'll be ok, Josh," she said softly. "Donna wouldn't want it any other way. You know that."

He nodded again. He swallowed hard and cleared his throat. "You're right, Mrs. Moss," he said, releasing her hand reluctantly. "Shall we go into eat something and start working on this?"

Donna's parents nodded, and the three of them found a table, ordered coffee, and then spent a half hour working out the funeral arrangements. Everything sounded fine to Josh except for one thing they asked of him that he knew would be absolutely impossible. They wanted him to give the eulogy. He couldn't say no… but how on earth was he ever going to make it through something like that in one piece?

It was bad enough that it was his fault that Donna died. After all… this happened to everyone he cared about eventually. But he was still coming to terms with just how much he did care about her… and how none of that would ever matter again. When he got back home, he climbed back into bed … at 10:00 in the morning. He hadn't done this since college, but the last thing he felt like doing was writing this eulogy. He didn't know when he'd ever be ready, and he only had two days. The only thing he could face right now was his pillow again. He didn't wake up until he heard pounding on his door three hours later.


	7. Chapter 7

Josh didn't hear the pounding at first. He had somehow incorporated it into this awful nightmare, and the pounding were the sounds of explosions all around him. He jerked awake with a start when he realized that someone was desperately trying to get his attention. Stumbling to the door in a t-shirt and sweat pants, he looked through the peep hole and was happy to see it was only Sam.

"I'm here," he called sleepily through the door as he fumbled with the locks. He heard Sam breathing heavily on the other side, and when he finally got the door open, he was shocked to see how upset and scared he looked. He walked past Josh into the apartment, waited until he shut the door, and then whirled around to look at him with a mixture of relief, sympathy, and annoyance.

"I've been calling you all day. No answer. I knock on the door for five straight minutes. No answer. It's time for you to stop making me panic, ok?"

Josh glanced down sheepishly but with a slight smile. It was nice to know someone cared even if he had to find out like this.

"Want anything to drink?" he asked, covering up a yawn as he walked into the kitchen. Sam followed him and perched on the counter.

"Sure. Are you going to make coffee?"

Josh picked a used coffee filter out of the top of the coffee maker and made a face. Tossing it into the garbage, he muttered, "I really hope that wasn't the last one," and then sighed with relief when he realized he still had one more. While he set about the business of making the coffee, Sam watched him carefully and started to relax. It seemed as though the hours of sleep must have helped at least a little.

They sat in companionable silence while Josh finished the preparations and then moved into the living room to wait for the coffee to be ready.

"So you slept the day away, huh?" Sam asked. He was so happy that Josh was finally looking slightly less haunted that he'd forgotten about where he knew Josh had been that morning.

"Well, I went to sleep when I got back from meeting the Mosses at their hotel." He glanced down at his feet, and Sam wanted to kick himself for even mentioning anything. Before he could apologize, though, Josh jumped up to check on the coffee.

When he got back, he sat down on the couch, and it was easy to see the gloom had returned. He didn't even look at Sam for a few minutes, and then he muttered, "Uh… I'm going to need your help with something."

"Anything," Sam responded quickly. "What is it?"

Josh finally looked up, and Sam almost wished he hadn't because the pain had returned to his eyes.

"Donna's parents asked me to give a eulogy." It was all he said, but what he was asking was clear.

"I'll help you write it right now if you want," he said gently. Josh nodded.

"Let me just go get the coffee."

Sam sighed and sank back into the couch. This was going to be a long afternoon. He smiled when Josh came back in, though, and moved over so they could sit side by side. Josh reached over the side of the couch and grabbed his laptop.

"I don't even know where to start," he muttered as he waited for it to boot.

He stared at the blank screen to avoid looking at Sam, but he looked up when he felt Sam staring at him.

"First of all," Sam said calmly, "you need to figure out if you want everyone else to know how much you loved her."

Josh's hands slipped from the keyboard, and he turned to look at Sam through tear-filled eyes.

"It was that obvious?" he choked, and when Sam nodded sadly, Josh shoved the computer onto the couch between them and buried his face in his hands. He knew Sam was watching him, but he didn't even care anymore. He was past the point of caring. And when Sam moved the laptop to the coffee table and put his arm around him, he kind of leaned into him again. When he finally calmed down, he sat up and picked up the laptop again, pretending nothing had happened, pretending that he hadn't just essentially confirmed what everyone had thought about his feelings for Donna for the last seven or so years.

"So," he said, his voice tight, "let's write this thing."

Swiping quickly at his own eyes and making a tremendous effort to steady his voice, Sam nodded and said, "Let's do it."


	8. Chapter 8

Sam stayed for the rest of that day, helping Josh find the right words to convey Donna's life. For the first time, Josh felt himself acknowledging how much he'd loved Donna, and while it hurt more than anything he could have imagined, it also felt good not to lie to himself anymore. He also realized just how good of a friend Sam was. Whenever Josh couldn't go on and needed to take a minute to compose himself, Sam acted as if this were completely normal and never made him feel self-conscious. He couldn't imagine what he would have done if Sam hadn't come for this.

The next day Josh awoke in a cold sweat. The eulogy was as good as it was going to get for now, but that wasn't what worried him. He wouldn't have to give it until the next day anyway. No, the wake was today. As much as he knew that Donna was gone, this was going to be the moment when he knew he would really have to face the reality. He wasn't sure if he were ready. He didn't think he ever would be. But he forced himself out of bed and into the shower, letting the water wash over him as he swallowed what now seemed like the perpetual lump in his throat. He couldn't possibly be starting this early. He needed to hold on for as long as possible until he at least knew it would be understandable for him to be losing it.

He got dressed and watched himself in the mirror as he tried to fasten his tie with shaking hands. Finally, he gave up and left it hanging around his neck. C.J. or someone would help him fasten it when he got there… Sitting down quickly, he had to close his eyes because they were suddenly stinging with tears. Donna would have been the one to help him if this were any other day…

Sighing shakily, he grabbed some tissues, shoved them in his pocket, stood up, and walked outside. It was a grey day, perfect for his mood. It wasn't raining, exactly, but it was misting, and an umbrella would have been useless, so Josh hunched his shoulders against the chill and walked briskly down the street. The funeral home, unfortunately, was close enough to his house that he could walk. That also meant that it was close enough to his house that he would see it everyday and remember what had happened. Not like he could ever forget. He could never forget.

When he reached the funeral home, he waited under the awning for C.J., Toby, Leo and Sam. He didn't know when the Bartletts would be there though he was sure they would make an appearance at some point. He was actually starting to think about going inside by himself when the rest of them arrived. They'd taken a limo from the White House, and as they stepped out, he noted almost clinically how pale C.J. looked and that even Toby didn't look like himself. C.J. hugged him tightly and then went to work silently tying his tie while the others touched his arm as they approached. After a silent moment of just looking at the ground and at each other, they walked inside.

There weren't many people there yet, and for that, Josh was grateful. He didn't know if he'd be able to do this in a crowd. They hung their coats in the back of the room, studiously avoiding looking at the front, and then Sam looked up first. Josh glance up sharply when he heard him sniffle, and he finally saw – and understood – for the first time the toll this was taking on the others as well. Without a word, he put his arm around Sam, and C.J. watched with a pained expression as he led him over to the last row of chairs so he could sit and process something that none of them could even begin to understand.

Josh didn't even look down at him. His attention, too, had been caught by the arresting sight at the front of the room. He set his jaw and looked at C.J., Toby, and Leo. "Let's go together?" he asked, and the men nodded, but C.J. glanced down at Sam and said softly, "You three go. I'll be right behind you."

They nodded and moved up as C.J. stepped over Sam's legs and sat down next to him. He was staring at the coffin, his eyes full of tears and his lip quivering, and she put her arm across his shoulders. The touch was all it took. His face crumpled, and he turned into her shoulder, his choked sobs echoing in her ear as she put her arms around him. Tears slipped down her face as she listened to him and watched the other drama unfold at the front of the room. After they had all kneeled in front of the coffin and then stood to pay their respects, Josh's face was streaked with new tears, and even Toby's eyes seemed to be watering. Leo's face was drawn and he looked exhausted. They moved back to C.J. and Sam after a few minutes and sank into the chairs at the other end of their row. Each of them stared straight ahead in silence, and none of them moved until C.J. and Sam returned from paying their own respects.

They stood in front of the others, and Toby and Leo looked up.

"Are we ready?" C.J. asked softly, and they both nodded. They stood up and were preparing to leave when they realized that Josh was still sitting in his chair. He didn't turn to look at them, and they stared at each other in consternation until Sam finally said, "Buddy, are you ready? We're all going."

Josh looked up at them as if he were coming out of a trance.

"No, no. you go on ahead. I'll be ok. I just need…" he trailed off. His eyes returned to the front of the room, and he didn't look at them again. Without another word, they left. None of them said what the others were thinking. The funeral was going to be an absolute nightmare, and they couldn't imagine how Josh was going to get through giving this eulogy in one piece.


	9. Chapter 9

No one slept much that night. Josh awoke at 3 am, gasping, to find his pillow soaked. When he went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror, he stared at his reflection gloomily. His eyes were red and puffy, and he realized he must have been crying in his sleep. He splashed cold water on his face and wandered into the living room, flicking on the television and staring at infomercials for two hours until he felt like he could reasonably start getting ready for the day. If there were anything he was dreading, it was the sight of his mother. She'd left a message when he was at the wake that she was going to be there for the funeral, and he didn't know if he'd be able to handle her sympathy at this point. He spent the entire time he was in the shower trying to figure out if there were any way to avoid it and came to no fruitful conclusions.

When it was finally time for him to leave to meet everyone at the funeral home again, he was somewhat relieved to see that the sun was out. Nothing could make a day like this more depressing than it already was than buckets full of rain. It was cold, though, and he walked to the funeral home faster than he really wanted to because he once again got there first. Luckily, C.J., Toby, Leo, Sam, Will, the President and the First Lady met him right away, and they all went in together. They slowly made their way to the front of the room. The rows were already filling, and they filed in behind the Mosses with the Secret Service lining the perimeter. Josh sat on the end reluctantly, clutching the paper where he'd written the eulogy. He couldn't even bring himself to look at it now, and he honestly didn't know how he was going to read it to all of these people in just a few minutes.

Those few minutes went by far more quickly than he both wanted and expected, and all of a sudden, the service had started. The moment it did, the sniffling started too, all around him. Josh kept his head down, but he was aware of Sam sitting next to him, his shoulders shaking slightly. He'd known Sam was close to Donna, but he'd forgotten how much he, too, had relied on her for advice and comfort. This was a sharp reminder of the hole she would be leaving in all of their lives, and he could feel the tears welling up in his own eyes. He blinked hard because all of a sudden, there was an expectant pause, and without even looking up, he knew it was his turn to speak.

Taking a deep breath, Josh rose from his seat and approached the podium awkwardly. He stood behind it and tried not to glance to his left, tried not to see the coffin. That would be his one downfall…. With shaking hands, he opened the crumpled paper and stared at it for a moment, trying to make sense of the words that were threatening to swim on the page before him. He rubbed his hand quickly over his eyes, cleared his throat, and began to speak in a hoarse voice that was nothing like his own.

"_As some of you may know, I was Donna's boss in the White House. But really, that statement is misleading because if anyone called all of the shots in that office, it was definitely Donna. I could barely dress myself without her guidance let alone find any of my files or make it to any of my meetings on time. But Donna was much more to me than an assistant. We spent more time together in the past eight years than either of us spent with anyone else, and there was no one I trusted more with anything. I would have trusted Donna with my life, but she made the mistake of trusting me with hers._"

Here Sam looked up sharply. This was not part of the eulogy he'd helped Josh write. He turned to C.J., and her mouth had fallen open. She looked as if she wanted to jump up and pull Josh back to his seat, but she also knew he had to do this for his own sanity. He needed to take some of the blame… just like she'd been afraid he would. He continued.

"_Donna asked me if she could go to the Middle East, and I said yes._" He stared out at everyone in the room, but it was clear that the only person he was seeing was a woman with long blond hair. He shook his head, tears suddenly springing to his eyes again and the lump rising dangerously fast in his throat. _"I should have known better than to send the woman I now know I loved more than anyone into that kind of danger, but she wanted to go, and when she really wanted something, I really wanted to give it to her. And now she'll never know how much she meant to me._" And here he stopped because he couldn't have gone on if they'd paid him. He hung his head and was completely oblivious to someone coming and putting her arm around him to lead him back to his seat. She sat down beside him, and that's when he finally looked up. He gasped when he realized it was his mother, looking at him with that same measured look he recognized so well. She'd given him this very look when his sister had been declared dead in the fire and on the night when he'd flown home after he'd heard about his dad. It was the look that said, 'I know you're blaming yourself, but you'd better stop. It's horrible, and it's unfair, but it's not your fault.' She'd said these words to him too many times, and she didn't need to say them now. He read it all in her eyes, and his face crumpled.

"Oh Mom," he whispered, and she put both arms around him, pulling him to her. As the service wound to its inevitable end, Josh was oblivious to all of it. He had his face in his mother's shoulder, and his own shook violently with the sobs that she could release with a look and a touch.

When they all stood to leave the chapel, it was after the crowds had gone before them. Donna's parents, drenched in their own grief, turned to Josh for a moment before they left.

"That was… that was beautiful," Mr. Moss managed to say. "Thank you for caring so much about our Donna. And you can't feel responsible. You knew our girl. When she wanted something, there was no standing in her way. Thank you for giving her what she wanted." Josh nodded wordlessly.

"And Josh?" Mrs. Moss said softly, taking his hand and looking into his reddened eyes, "she knew. And she felt the same way."

He stared at her, feeling his lip quivering against his will, and suddenly her arms were around him, and they were both crying. But he could feel a weight lifting slightly. This was going to be a long road, but he suddenly realized something. For the first time since he'd lost Donna, he didn't feel like he'd have to travel alone.


End file.
